2009年8月15日，清早
又是一个人的时候，自己看戏，自己笑。这就是我的生活。很多时候，我明白人生很多时候是自己一个人过的。不知为什么最近特别不想一个人。拿起手机，看了看，可以拨电话的朋友真的很少。我觉得自己变得不爱跟人说话了，变孤僻了吗？也许吧！无论跟任何人，家人，朋友，客人，老板，我说的话越来越少，不知该说什么。所以，很时常都戴着耳机听歌。我的耳朵快要聋了啦，这样听下去。。哈哈。。
今天我又回到念书的地方，匆匆忙忙办了事，拿了行李，又搭火车回工作地方。路途中，突然从反映的玻璃看到日落。那片云闪闪发光，太阳就在中间。看着就想起三年前去到望里望念书的日子。还记得，刚刚报到的我，不什么跟人交际，有个学姐特别照顾我。天还没亮就带我去爬光头山，她教我做人要够强，这社会是现实。那时好胜的我跟学姐还挺合得来，因为我们俩都有共同点。她是第一个带我上山看日出的人。就这样，我爱上了爬光头山去看日出。
光头山不止让我看到美丽的日出，也是唯一让我可以一个人发泄的地方。在那念书的日子，我有很多问题，不知道跟谁说，就跑到了光头山去，一个人在那掉眼泪。很好笑吧？我还真的很没用啊。。光头山对我来说是一个避难所，从满了我的回忆。现在，我没有光头山可去，也没有避难所可以让我好好发泄。突然觉得人生真的很奇妙，一首歌，一个情景，一句话都可以让我们回想那么多事情。就这样，光头山的回忆已成为差不多四年前的事了。从一个什么人情世故都不懂，带点傲慢，好胜的女孩变成现在的我，变化还挺多的。不过，好胜的我依然没变。做事尽量自己做，除非不得已，都不想求人帮忙。这就是我。
曾经有人跟我说，“你不把心打开，任何人都进不了的。你必须找到那把钥匙。”我很认真地听，也很认真地放在心里。现在回想，我会问自己，我真的没有把心打开吗？不，我从一开始就把心打开了。不然，就不会有那么多的伤心。我把心打开认识朋友，相信他们所说的每句话，我不会多疑，因为我已经用心去跟他们交朋友。可是，换来的，我也不知道是什么了。我没把心打开吗？我盲目地把心打开，这就是我犯的错。
有位朋友让我觉得挺失望。也许你在乎现在身边的人，也许现在式的“朋友”比较有价值，这会是你的事了。也证明了一开始我对你的想法是对的。我只想说朋友不是这样做的，不过你的路，你自己走吧！祝你好运，我再也不会自动找这位朋友，因为我感觉我不受欢迎。这些东西也不需要等人说出口，心里有数就好了。深夜了，应该睡觉了，不过，感觉上不想睡。。。
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
真讨人厌的一天
2009年8月23日，晴
今天是一个很糟糕的一天，心情也很糟。现在真的有点讨厌这份工，压力挺大。感觉上，厨房里的厨师出了问题，是我翻译错误。在楼面做不好，是我笨手笨脚。有时，他们自己做错事，也要训我一顿才甘愿。为什么什么事都关我的事啊？他们做错了，就觉得我也有责任，我应该帮他们纠正，我没纠正就是我做事不当。他妈的，我工资现在很高吗？给那么一点点地死人薪水，把我当机器人那样使唤。
我一个人只有一双手和一双脚，我能做得了多少啊？又叫我做这做那得，又叫我去东又去西，每天都听到Phoebe Phoebe Phoebe。听到都觉得厌烦。厨师，材料，要用的东西，所有东西我都有责任要去理。现在不是请我来当经理咧，我只是小小的楼面，他们还要怎样？我们华人跟阿叉真的很不一样，格格不入。文化不一样，语言不一样，做事方式不一样，想法也不一样。他们做事慢吞吞，每天都拖到半夜三更才收工，回到来都十二点多一点半夜。尤其是请我们的老板。他做事都是最后一分钟，叫他做事真的有点呕血。
到了收工时，看看电话，John发信息来。跟他开开玩笑，讲讲废话，给他逗下，心情才好点。也笑了笑。今晚整晚我都笑不出来。当有人跟我说话时，我就对他们笑笑，转过脸，整个脸立刻笑不出来，也不想跟他们多说话和开玩笑。他们最好是不要跟我说话。还真得谢谢这幼稚John。。
我变得如何了啊？做了这行工后，整个人都变得粗燥了。很少骂粗话的我，现在变得爱骂了，尤其是对那些真的很“扑街”的人。真的忍受不了。啊。。。我何时才能恢复正常的我，正常的工作？
今天是一个很糟糕的一天，心情也很糟。现在真的有点讨厌这份工，压力挺大。感觉上，厨房里的厨师出了问题，是我翻译错误。在楼面做不好，是我笨手笨脚。有时，他们自己做错事，也要训我一顿才甘愿。为什么什么事都关我的事啊？他们做错了，就觉得我也有责任，我应该帮他们纠正，我没纠正就是我做事不当。他妈的，我工资现在很高吗？给那么一点点地死人薪水，把我当机器人那样使唤。
我一个人只有一双手和一双脚，我能做得了多少啊？又叫我做这做那得，又叫我去东又去西，每天都听到Phoebe Phoebe Phoebe。听到都觉得厌烦。厨师，材料，要用的东西，所有东西我都有责任要去理。现在不是请我来当经理咧，我只是小小的楼面，他们还要怎样？我们华人跟阿叉真的很不一样，格格不入。文化不一样，语言不一样，做事方式不一样，想法也不一样。他们做事慢吞吞，每天都拖到半夜三更才收工，回到来都十二点多一点半夜。尤其是请我们的老板。他做事都是最后一分钟，叫他做事真的有点呕血。
到了收工时，看看电话，John发信息来。跟他开开玩笑，讲讲废话，给他逗下，心情才好点。也笑了笑。今晚整晚我都笑不出来。当有人跟我说话时，我就对他们笑笑，转过脸，整个脸立刻笑不出来，也不想跟他们多说话和开玩笑。他们最好是不要跟我说话。还真得谢谢这幼稚John。。
我变得如何了啊？做了这行工后，整个人都变得粗燥了。很少骂粗话的我，现在变得爱骂了，尤其是对那些真的很“扑街”的人。真的忍受不了。啊。。。我何时才能恢复正常的我，正常的工作？
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sucks morning start my day
21th August, 2009
Last night or suppose to say early in the morning,about 4am? My landlord don't know bring what woman come back or his wife, I have no idea about that. That woman is totally crazy, bang our door and shouting. What the F***! I am in a good sleep and this crazy woman make me can't sleep back after that. Maybe I was shocked because of the suddenly loud noise,I sleep back after 5 smtg. This make my mood totally turn into bad mood. Damn them...*sorry to be so mean in words, but I am too angry.
They make me remember what my collegue from Bangladesh told me, he said every man has a wife and a girl friend. Well, they are Muslim, and there they are, still behaving like that. I do not want to comment a lot, I just do not agree with their perspective. I will never ever forgive someone betray me, especially the one I love. What happen to people in this world? What happen to love? Is it something that is so fragile and worthless for us to cherish and appreciate? I know and accept that love is nothing for nowadays, but when I heard someone married say or do something like that, I felt a bit unacceptable.
I love to be in love, but if this is what will happen at the end, what is the point then? I never think to get married but at least I found someone that I love (if I really know what is LOVE). However, I know I love my family. Today I visit my baby sis blogs and suddenly I realise she is not baby anymore, not my baby sis that do not anything anymore. She grows up already and now she is a pretty young lady (+smart). She has her own personal problems, emotions and stuff. So regret to say we are not sister that can talk a lot about everything, maybe it is my problem. I never spend my time to know my family, I am not so close to my family. When she has problem, she does not come to me, so am I. It is a pity thing actually as we are family.
I wish all the best for her and I hope I can give her the best after I able to have a stable financial. I want the best for my family but now I am still finding my way out to this society, I am nothing besides play a small role as a waitress in this big universal. I want to be a big person in this universe. I believe I am born to become someone, someone that has certain achievement, not just normal lame Phoebe. Even though I feel I am stupid, without much knowledge now, I believe I can do it. It is just I have to find the medium for me to be someone. Even though now I am in the mist, lost in some path and don’t know where shall I heading, but I believe, one day, I will be someone.
Last night or suppose to say early in the morning,about 4am? My landlord don't know bring what woman come back or his wife, I have no idea about that. That woman is totally crazy, bang our door and shouting. What the F***! I am in a good sleep and this crazy woman make me can't sleep back after that. Maybe I was shocked because of the suddenly loud noise,I sleep back after 5 smtg. This make my mood totally turn into bad mood. Damn them...*sorry to be so mean in words, but I am too angry.
They make me remember what my collegue from Bangladesh told me, he said every man has a wife and a girl friend. Well, they are Muslim, and there they are, still behaving like that. I do not want to comment a lot, I just do not agree with their perspective. I will never ever forgive someone betray me, especially the one I love. What happen to people in this world? What happen to love? Is it something that is so fragile and worthless for us to cherish and appreciate? I know and accept that love is nothing for nowadays, but when I heard someone married say or do something like that, I felt a bit unacceptable.
I love to be in love, but if this is what will happen at the end, what is the point then? I never think to get married but at least I found someone that I love (if I really know what is LOVE). However, I know I love my family. Today I visit my baby sis blogs and suddenly I realise she is not baby anymore, not my baby sis that do not anything anymore. She grows up already and now she is a pretty young lady (+smart). She has her own personal problems, emotions and stuff. So regret to say we are not sister that can talk a lot about everything, maybe it is my problem. I never spend my time to know my family, I am not so close to my family. When she has problem, she does not come to me, so am I. It is a pity thing actually as we are family.
I wish all the best for her and I hope I can give her the best after I able to have a stable financial. I want the best for my family but now I am still finding my way out to this society, I am nothing besides play a small role as a waitress in this big universal. I want to be a big person in this universe. I believe I am born to become someone, someone that has certain achievement, not just normal lame Phoebe. Even though I feel I am stupid, without much knowledge now, I believe I can do it. It is just I have to find the medium for me to be someone. Even though now I am in the mist, lost in some path and don’t know where shall I heading, but I believe, one day, I will be someone.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Alone make me sick
20th August. 2009
It is very early in the morning, 2:30am. I am alone in an attic room, chatting through msn, watching Hannah Montana, and blogging. I feel like it is quite a long time I do not blogging. Blogging is always what I like because it is a space to express my feeling. But lately, I lost interest in blogging as I feel so tired whenever I get back from work.
For some times I keep on asking myself what the next I am going to do? Before graduate, I have an aim, completing my degree and after I reach this target, I am a bit lost. I don't know what I am going to do next. What is my career? Definitely not waitress for my whole life, I won't let this happen on me. I think a lot but I can't reach to the conclusion.
In some way, I chat with a friend I have not been chatting with for so long time. Actually not so long, maybe just few weeks but in this duration, people change. I found my friend different from the one I know before. It it not a bad changing as she heard to be more mature and stable in handling people and thing. It is a good thing, I know that. It is just me cannot get used that people around me will change, especially her change remind me about myself. I used to be ambitious, and now who I am?
Maybe some days she will become a successful person, especially under guidance of an ambitious person, but where am I that time? Still a waitress or just a small admin clerk? Where is my dream? Where is my ambition, motivation, and where is me? I keep on asking myself but I don't know what to do. Yaya, this is the time for me to grow up and become independence. I want to have my own sky and my own career without helped by others but can I do that?
My self- confidence equal to zero and I am nothing at all now? My dad asked me to pray to God and God will give me guidance. ( no offence meanin) I am not so in to what he want me to do, but what can I do? WHo can help me and give me advice and guidance? People around me now are mostly work in restaurant field and they think that find an office work now in Uk is so hard, maybe can said as MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!
ALONE...with all those problems and everyday hardship in work, people, relationship with everyone, I become more and more scare to face any obstacle and problems. My self confidence drop to ZERO, believe me, I mean it. I don't think I am doing the right thing in everything, I don't think I can handle things, I don't believe what I am believing, I don't believe myself. It is so pathetic. Before, I am so relying on someone when I face problems as I believe he can help me in everything. However, I don't know start from when, I start to keep everything to myself. He is not the person that I will find when I have this problem anymore, he cannot help me. I always feel I am alone now in everything. He said before to me that I am not grow up yet and not a successful person. Yea, he is right. Maybe I am not a person that have any high achievement, I am destined to be normal than normal person.
I SCARE and HATE ALone...Is it the time to back?
It is very early in the morning, 2:30am. I am alone in an attic room, chatting through msn, watching Hannah Montana, and blogging. I feel like it is quite a long time I do not blogging. Blogging is always what I like because it is a space to express my feeling. But lately, I lost interest in blogging as I feel so tired whenever I get back from work.
For some times I keep on asking myself what the next I am going to do? Before graduate, I have an aim, completing my degree and after I reach this target, I am a bit lost. I don't know what I am going to do next. What is my career? Definitely not waitress for my whole life, I won't let this happen on me. I think a lot but I can't reach to the conclusion.
In some way, I chat with a friend I have not been chatting with for so long time. Actually not so long, maybe just few weeks but in this duration, people change. I found my friend different from the one I know before. It it not a bad changing as she heard to be more mature and stable in handling people and thing. It is a good thing, I know that. It is just me cannot get used that people around me will change, especially her change remind me about myself. I used to be ambitious, and now who I am?
Maybe some days she will become a successful person, especially under guidance of an ambitious person, but where am I that time? Still a waitress or just a small admin clerk? Where is my dream? Where is my ambition, motivation, and where is me? I keep on asking myself but I don't know what to do. Yaya, this is the time for me to grow up and become independence. I want to have my own sky and my own career without helped by others but can I do that?
My self- confidence equal to zero and I am nothing at all now? My dad asked me to pray to God and God will give me guidance. ( no offence meanin) I am not so in to what he want me to do, but what can I do? WHo can help me and give me advice and guidance? People around me now are mostly work in restaurant field and they think that find an office work now in Uk is so hard, maybe can said as MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!
ALONE...with all those problems and everyday hardship in work, people, relationship with everyone, I become more and more scare to face any obstacle and problems. My self confidence drop to ZERO, believe me, I mean it. I don't think I am doing the right thing in everything, I don't think I can handle things, I don't believe what I am believing, I don't believe myself. It is so pathetic. Before, I am so relying on someone when I face problems as I believe he can help me in everything. However, I don't know start from when, I start to keep everything to myself. He is not the person that I will find when I have this problem anymore, he cannot help me. I always feel I am alone now in everything. He said before to me that I am not grow up yet and not a successful person. Yea, he is right. Maybe I am not a person that have any high achievement, I am destined to be normal than normal person.
I SCARE and HATE ALone...Is it the time to back?
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Bloggers, How Are You?
13th August, 2009, Sunny
Time fly away..this is what most people said. Now I realise how fast it fly away from me. I am been here for almost 1 year, I still feel the minute I left KLIA is yesterday thing. I been away from my family and friends for quite a long time. I struggle in my study, exam and lastly find job. But now, I already change to second job without realise how things keep on passing in my memory.
This job can said as easy and also hard. I do not have to rush here and there like before at Yeovil job, but I cannot finish work on time because we have to wait for everyone to finish and our boss fetch us back to Cardiff. We suppose go back by 11 smtg but now we always go back by 12 smth and 1 smtg. It is quite frustrating to translate between chefs and boss. Boss is Bangali and the whole restaurant staff are Bangali and Pakistanist, besides 3 of us are Chinese. They do not know Chinese food and chefs do not know English, everything I have to translate, I am in the middle.
Sometimes, I felt it is embarrasing to mention things asked by chefs to translate to boss but I have to, then I have to explain to them what boss want. I also have to deal with the stocks ordered by chefs, have to wash toilet, clean bar, do this and that. Everyday, I can hear Phoebe here, Phoebe there, PHOEBE PHOEBE PHOEBE PHOEBE…I almost frustrated with my own name..gosh..my salary really low for this job, especially I have to pay some for my rent.
Life is hard, I can understand wholly now. I have to deal with everything, even when others shouting at me, order me to do something. It is hard but I have to do it, just because MONEY!
This morning, I get my certificate. It is a very plain paper with some words and this cost me thousand to get it…haha…this is what I waiting and anticipate for such a long time….a paper called certificate! When I get it, I have a weird feeling about this, can’t explain but just weird feeling. I have to think and plan my future as waitress is not my future definitely.
Time fly away..this is what most people said. Now I realise how fast it fly away from me. I am been here for almost 1 year, I still feel the minute I left KLIA is yesterday thing. I been away from my family and friends for quite a long time. I struggle in my study, exam and lastly find job. But now, I already change to second job without realise how things keep on passing in my memory.
This job can said as easy and also hard. I do not have to rush here and there like before at Yeovil job, but I cannot finish work on time because we have to wait for everyone to finish and our boss fetch us back to Cardiff. We suppose go back by 11 smtg but now we always go back by 12 smth and 1 smtg. It is quite frustrating to translate between chefs and boss. Boss is Bangali and the whole restaurant staff are Bangali and Pakistanist, besides 3 of us are Chinese. They do not know Chinese food and chefs do not know English, everything I have to translate, I am in the middle.
Sometimes, I felt it is embarrasing to mention things asked by chefs to translate to boss but I have to, then I have to explain to them what boss want. I also have to deal with the stocks ordered by chefs, have to wash toilet, clean bar, do this and that. Everyday, I can hear Phoebe here, Phoebe there, PHOEBE PHOEBE PHOEBE PHOEBE…I almost frustrated with my own name..gosh..my salary really low for this job, especially I have to pay some for my rent.
Life is hard, I can understand wholly now. I have to deal with everything, even when others shouting at me, order me to do something. It is hard but I have to do it, just because MONEY!
This morning, I get my certificate. It is a very plain paper with some words and this cost me thousand to get it…haha…this is what I waiting and anticipate for such a long time….a paper called certificate! When I get it, I have a weird feeling about this, can’t explain but just weird feeling. I have to think and plan my future as waitress is not my future definitely.
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