Alone make me sick

20th August. 2009

It is very early in the morning, 2:30am. I am alone in an attic room, chatting through msn, watching Hannah Montana, and blogging. I feel like it is quite a long time I do not blogging. Blogging is always what I like because it is a space to express my feeling. But lately, I lost interest in blogging as I feel so tired whenever I get back from work.

For some times I keep on asking myself what the next I am going to do? Before graduate, I have an aim, completing my degree and after I reach this target, I am a bit lost. I don't know what I am going to do next. What is my career? Definitely not waitress for my whole life, I won't let this happen on me. I think a lot but I can't reach to the conclusion.

In some way, I chat with a friend I have not been chatting with for so long time. Actually not so long, maybe just few weeks but in this duration, people change. I found my friend different from the one I know before. It it not a bad changing as she heard to be more mature and stable in handling people and thing. It is a good thing, I know that. It is just me cannot get used that people around me will change, especially her change remind me about myself. I used to be ambitious, and now who I am?

Maybe some days she will become a successful person, especially under guidance of an ambitious person, but where am I that time? Still a waitress or just a small admin clerk? Where is my dream? Where is my ambition, motivation, and where is me? I keep on asking myself but I don't know what to do. Yaya, this is the time for me to grow up and become independence. I want to have my own sky and my own career without helped by others but can I do that?

My self- confidence equal to zero and I am nothing at all now? My dad asked me to pray to God and God will give me guidance. ( no offence meanin) I am not so in to what he want me to do, but what can I do? WHo can help me and give me advice and guidance? People around me now are mostly work in restaurant field and they think that find an office work now in Uk is so hard, maybe can said as MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!

ALONE...with all those problems and everyday hardship in work, people, relationship with everyone, I become more and more scare to face any obstacle and problems. My self confidence drop to ZERO, believe me, I mean it. I don't think I am doing the right thing in everything, I don't think I can handle things, I don't believe what I am believing, I don't believe myself. It is so pathetic. Before, I am so relying on someone when I face problems as I believe he can help me in everything. However, I don't know start from when, I start to keep everything to myself. He is not the person that I will find when I have this problem anymore, he cannot help me. I always feel I am alone now in everything. He said before to me that I am not grow up yet and not a successful person. Yea, he is right. Maybe I am not a person that have any high achievement, I am destined to be normal than normal person.

I SCARE and HATE ALone...Is it the time to back?