Eat Pray Love..searching yourself

Eat Pray Love

This movie was out for quite a long time. I saw its review and almost everyone gave quite a good comment about it. I did not bother much as I am not really attracted to it. Today, finally I watch it and this bring me back to this blog. I tried to end this blog because it is with me all along these years, in which everything happen and the most heart broken thing happen to me. But today I came back here because I need to face myself, face my inner fear.

I had left United Kingdom for more than half year, I went to China, and then now I am here, in Singapore. I left United Kingdom with broken heart and tried to get over everything by coming back here. But I bring all those broken heart back to Asia. It is with me, no matter where I go because I haven't let it go. I miss him sometimes, maybe it is stupid. Some of my friends did say I am stupid for falling in love like this. Maybe..but this is what happen to me..

I had been in Singapore for about half year, and I experience something that is really different. But lately I am lost, I try to find myself back. I need an identity. I felt I am failure, because I am not capable and I am not smart and I am not pretty. Whatever people said about me, I take it as that is who I am but I am wrong. I am suppose to be who I think I want to be. I always look at those successful people and think if I can be successful like them,but at the same time, I won't deny anything said by them. By right, it is. But everyone has their own way to success. Yes, she is success but is her way really suitable for you? That is a good question hah?

I always blaming how my work is terrible and how unlucky I am. But I do have choice. Ya, maybe this is not the place for me,so why I need to insist as it is? She is success but probably her way is not what I am searching for. Searching in yourself is the key...

Ps: I created another blog called "Story Mode Life"
http://phoebememories.blogspot.com/



Phoebe

In the process of forgetting

Again, I need to blogging because I do not want to talk to anyone about this...reading 'I Heart New York' on the train as entertainment, but why it is about betrayal of a ten years boyfriend? Damn it...why everything keep on remind me of him while I try so hard to get over him? It hurts,it really does hurt. After I came back to Wales,every old memory came back to me as well,including him.

I don't know where the courage come from but I reply his message,which he asked me not to delete him and will be there for me if i ever need him. This hurts the most when he said he will be there for me no matter what happen. We never start but from all those months,we texting each other,trying to get to know him better and he make me to try to believe him and when my job not going as I want,he as well,doing something that make me totally collapse.

I really want to get over him but it appears to be not so easy...I am torturing myself now and I hate that side of me. I am not sure whether I am running away from the cruel reality again this time. Going back is not the perfect choice but I don't know what I can do anymore besides going back to people I know and love me...I am tired,really tired.

I love to take train, I iwll miss England so much

It seems I really like to take train, what will be happen after I go back to Malaysia? No more train, only old buses that I am so unwillingly to take. I love everything in England,frankly. However, I understand I am in my comfort zone now. I need to change, to move on to another stage. Pound sterling that I earned here is quite lot compared to what my friend earn at Asia. However,waitress is a job which does not has career prospect.

I did ask myself,pound sterling or career. Well,after everything I go through in this few months,I choose career. I know myself better than anyone, I need success to live my life, to feel I am living in this world, to find my value of living. That is why I decided to go back. Everything is fine in England,just not career. Yes, I do not try to find a proper job at England, I regret for this. I am not suppose to work as waitress after I came back from Malaysia. What a shame...

It is time to move on again. I am not sure my future back to Asia,but I need to try. At least I can find my career and probably depends on it to survive. I don't feel I can depends on anything else to feel alive now. Life is hard but I need to survive through it, no matter how unwilling I am in certain condition and situation.

A day out

Finally back to my blog again...Guess what? I am enjoying my hot chocolate at Costa. I must say not every Costa make nice hot chocolate. I don't like drink hot chocolate before,it is too sweet to me. I try once and I love it, but I only will drink hot chocolate at Hastings Costa. Bravo!

Drinking hot chocolate at nice atmosphere Costa, reading Vogue from USA,this moment is perfect. Everything I do,honestly,just to distract myself. I try to stay in hostel but it is terribly suffering. Last night a very good friend that I always respect chatting with me (actually he wants to ask what happen to me only). I can't face my failure and talk to no one about this,except him. During our chatting, I know he tried to counsel me but I did not buy in whatever he said.

It did surprise me,as I never reject his opinion before,as I think he is smarter a lot and success in managing himself. However, this time,it is different. I fall into a very deep hole that no one can pull me out anymore. I am trying to lock myself in a room,where I can't come out and move on.

I try to be a different person,stay away from my friend and family and live in a life that is meaningless and effortless. When we are kid, we are told to stand up and climb again if we fall. What about if I fall too many times and frustrated to stand up anymore. I just want to sit on the floor, as I am too scare of the falling's pain.

I don't know when I will recover but I clearly understand,not now! You need a lot of courage to stand up again after all the falling part! People keep on moving in and out from Costa,but I still on my seat,unwilling to move forward...

我求你，永远不要再让幸福降临在我身上。我再也承受不起你夺走的那一刻了！

已经好多天了，我以为很快就会忘记，可是并不是如此！我很想大哭一场，以前至少大哭一场，心理面就会好受一点。这次，我哭不出来！泪一直在眼睛里打滚，心一直在痛着，就是无法放声大哭。我很想忘记，如果现在有药让我吃了忘记所有，我真的很想要！我的脑一片空白，我的心也一片空白！我的心比任何眼色都还要灰。。一休假，就跑到戏院看笑戏。以为大笑后会开心一点，所有的事都是我以为。

我以为我在走好运，原来是恶梦的开始。我以为有个人真的关心我，会让我爱上他，原来是一场梦。对他来说，也许是一场游戏。我以为我自己很行，很聪明。原来我是这世上最笨的人，最没用的人！我以为自己很行，所以老板一直要留我，其他地方的老板也很想请我，原来是我够笨，好骗。给一点工资就让我做到死！又不会偷他们的钱，这就是我的好！我以为我自己很善良，对人很好，原来我脾气很暴躁，也很好胜！所以，人家才讨厌我，觉得跟我合作不了，令我上不了新的那份工作！我以为我很勇敢坚持自己想要的东西，原来我是个懦弱的人！在最后关头，我放弃了自己的坚持！所有的事情发展到今天这个地步，都是我自以为是！我以为我以为我以为，其实并不是如此。。我自己一直在发梦，一直欺骗自己。

我有什么好，他怎么可能会真心喜欢我？我有什么本事，老板怎么可能会重用我？我永远都是人的第二选择。暂时找不到女朋友就找我来玩，找不到员工就找我来顶。在我人生中，我一直很努力去证明我自己。向我妈妈证明，向我老师证明，向我老板，朋友，同事证明。结果呢？我考不好，我妈妈就伤心，把我拿来跟人家比较，被比下去，她难受！我在我与朋友之间，我老师认可了我朋友的能力，同时间否定了我！你可以说我转牛角尖，不过当他做出那决定时，我已经被否认了。我的能力不如我朋友。现在叫我加入，也许也是因为学姐想离开了吧？我又是第二选择！我老板给我的工资比其他刚来上班的熟手都便宜。我什么都得干，都得理，却拿着跟那些熟手一样的工资，可他们什么都不用理。我不值得这种价钱吗？

我很累，真的很累，我一直拼命，一直努力证明自己。可是，我得到了什么？得到了一个结论，我什么都不行，什么都没有！我的心和斗志真的死了，彻底的死了！大姐曾经说过，难道这次的打击太大了，你恢复不了？对，我恢复不了了！这次的打击彻底地打败我，就在我觉得自己很幸福很幸运时，上天永远都要把它夺走，变本加厉地夺走！只要我开始觉得幸福时，我都是提心吊胆，很害怕被抢走。结果，真的被抢走了！那么，我求你，永远不要再让幸福降临在我身上。我再也承受不起你夺走的那一刻了！

I fall down to reality from fairy tale

It had been weeks after my perfect happy life turn upside down in a day. Suddenly my fairy tale disappear and left is reality. Reality is always cruel and I live in it. After my decision, I really thought everything is solved, but it doesn't. I never feel so so regret in making a decision. In a whole week, I try to accept the truth but in fact, I can't. This time failure defeat me totally. When I struggle to find my balance in sadness and accepting the truth,someone seems give up me as well. Perhaps he never really take me seriously, I keep on giving myself excuses and I did try to make a step.

He never text back and after the last text, I realise,it is so cold between me and him. I am so stupid, to scare my phone signal broken down,that is why his text can't reach me. This is the second time, he left me like this. After I thought there is some connection and flame between us, he left nothing. I can't blame him because I am not even sure about my feeling towards him. But I do miss him, even till now. However, my ego won't let me continue to make myself so cheap infront any guy. I give up.

It is really hurt to think back, you asked me to open my heart to you. You ask me to believe you,try to open my heart to you. And now you totally shut me down to anyone in future. I am scare to believe guys before and now,I never ever trust anyone anymore. I don't know why I let myself involved with him for second time but I did like him. My life is grey and I lost my initiative to live.

I loss faith in myself, I don't know what I shall do for next. Even isolate myself from everyone that know me well and I know them well as well. My best friend,my family,I don't know how to face them. I don't know who I am anymore, a girl with all those dreams and passion to chase her dream,I loss her. A guy is not a big deal,as nothing much really happen between us, but suddenly,I lost my guide and it seems all bad thing happen on me. That make me defeated,especially myself. I never so disappointed with myself till now.

It had been a long time I try blogging my feeling but...Finally,it is out...

This world is so small and you will meet your enemy at anytime!

Another experience in my life! Today I realise a lot of things,probably...I am in a very down mood and feel like totally a loser! I resigned from my workplace two weeks ago and after I went to Rome,I felt I was at the top of my life until today, where I fall into deepest hole! After I resigned,I found another job but when I confirmed with new employer,I had to wait for 2 weeks. Then,she told me I have to wait 2 more weeks after I came back from Rome. I still in the mood,so,I don't really care.

I called my mom and she totally furios about this and demanded me to find a new job immediately. I called for few job but some of them thought I don't have enough experience and said will call back, but that call ended at the night I call. Last night I called to a place named Torquay and we talked happily,at last, we have a deal that I went there today to work. I bought train ticket and planned for everything today.

This morning,when I had last breakfast with my collegue, a text arrived. Manager at Torquay text me,told me that I am not suitable to work there because Martin and Kiki worked there. I totally lost of way, I din't remember this two people until I called that manager. Both of them worked at the workplace I resigned and the husband was fired because he was not capable,some more, thought he was so capable and did not want to listen to others. At last,both of them also leave. But as I worked as manager at here,I have to control them and when they did nonsense thing,I get mad and directly complaint to boss. Ahah..this is my first mistake that I learned from experience. They took it as backstabbing and I was the person that make them fired. But they never think why they are fired.

This afternoon,they text me!" Fuck yourself! U should know u arenot a nice person.of course u have to lose any job!hahaha" This was the content of their text. I reply "haha..childish". Do I need to reply more? I don't think so. They just have to take care themselves as if not,they will lose the job again. After that text,I was so furious and my mind is so mess up. I let my collegue to read that text and we started a discussion about them,about my job. I was scare as my mom told me not to change job this year because I got a lot of "xiao ren" (people that give trouble and obstruct me).

I was convinced what I will do after I resigned but at that moment, I freaked out and totally lose my way and thinking. Where is my logical thinking? Then,after persuaded by my collegues, I told my boss that I wanted to stay to work at this place again. Then,I kept on complaining to my best friend and talking about negative feeling. I felt sad and fed up after decided that I would stay back. Well,this showed that I hate this job so much but I made my choice. I tried to blame my mom,blame the new employer that delays shop opening day. But it is me that making the choice, and I make my choice. There is no one to blame,except myself!

I am not a person that have a strong belief on myself, that's why I let myself be in this kind of situation. Besides,I am too lenient to employer and at last causing myself terrible ending. I was easily persuaded and influenced by people, that is why I was a failure. I deserved this. I would learn from this and so do with anyone that read my blog. Next time, do not be so brave, complaining about others infront of them,where they can listened anytime. Second, don't resign if you don't have back up. Found a new job,then resign,don't be lenient to employer,scare they can't find employee as they will. Third, the world is so small that you will meet anyone again,so,for both of them,don't let me meet you two again. I promise myself I will become stronger than now and I definitely won't forgive anyone that treat me bad! Remember,this world is small!