In the process of forgetting

Again, I need to blogging because I do not want to talk to anyone about this...reading 'I Heart New York' on the train as entertainment, but why it is about betrayal of a ten years boyfriend? Damn it...why everything keep on remind me of him while I try so hard to get over him? It hurts,it really does hurt. After I came back to Wales,every old memory came back to me as well,including him.

I don't know where the courage come from but I reply his message,which he asked me not to delete him and will be there for me if i ever need him. This hurts the most when he said he will be there for me no matter what happen. We never start but from all those months,we texting each other,trying to get to know him better and he make me to try to believe him and when my job not going as I want,he as well,doing something that make me totally collapse.

I really want to get over him but it appears to be not so easy...I am torturing myself now and I hate that side of me. I am not sure whether I am running away from the cruel reality again this time. Going back is not the perfect choice but I don't know what I can do anymore besides going back to people I know and love me...I am tired,really tired.

I love to take train, I iwll miss England so much

It seems I really like to take train, what will be happen after I go back to Malaysia? No more train, only old buses that I am so unwillingly to take. I love everything in England,frankly. However, I understand I am in my comfort zone now. I need to change, to move on to another stage. Pound sterling that I earned here is quite lot compared to what my friend earn at Asia. However,waitress is a job which does not has career prospect.

I did ask myself,pound sterling or career. Well,after everything I go through in this few months,I choose career. I know myself better than anyone, I need success to live my life, to feel I am living in this world, to find my value of living. That is why I decided to go back. Everything is fine in England,just not career. Yes, I do not try to find a proper job at England, I regret for this. I am not suppose to work as waitress after I came back from Malaysia. What a shame...

It is time to move on again. I am not sure my future back to Asia,but I need to try. At least I can find my career and probably depends on it to survive. I don't feel I can depends on anything else to feel alive now. Life is hard but I need to survive through it, no matter how unwilling I am in certain condition and situation.

A day out

Finally back to my blog again...Guess what? I am enjoying my hot chocolate at Costa. I must say not every Costa make nice hot chocolate. I don't like drink hot chocolate before,it is too sweet to me. I try once and I love it, but I only will drink hot chocolate at Hastings Costa. Bravo!

Drinking hot chocolate at nice atmosphere Costa, reading Vogue from USA,this moment is perfect. Everything I do,honestly,just to distract myself. I try to stay in hostel but it is terribly suffering. Last night a very good friend that I always respect chatting with me (actually he wants to ask what happen to me only). I can't face my failure and talk to no one about this,except him. During our chatting, I know he tried to counsel me but I did not buy in whatever he said.

It did surprise me,as I never reject his opinion before,as I think he is smarter a lot and success in managing himself. However, this time,it is different. I fall into a very deep hole that no one can pull me out anymore. I am trying to lock myself in a room,where I can't come out and move on.

I try to be a different person,stay away from my friend and family and live in a life that is meaningless and effortless. When we are kid, we are told to stand up and climb again if we fall. What about if I fall too many times and frustrated to stand up anymore. I just want to sit on the floor, as I am too scare of the falling's pain.

I don't know when I will recover but I clearly understand,not now! You need a lot of courage to stand up again after all the falling part! People keep on moving in and out from Costa,but I still on my seat,unwilling to move forward...

我求你，永远不要再让幸福降临在我身上。我再也承受不起你夺走的那一刻了！

已经好多天了，我以为很快就会忘记，可是并不是如此！我很想大哭一场，以前至少大哭一场，心理面就会好受一点。这次，我哭不出来！泪一直在眼睛里打滚，心一直在痛着，就是无法放声大哭。我很想忘记，如果现在有药让我吃了忘记所有，我真的很想要！我的脑一片空白，我的心也一片空白！我的心比任何眼色都还要灰。。一休假，就跑到戏院看笑戏。以为大笑后会开心一点，所有的事都是我以为。

我以为我在走好运，原来是恶梦的开始。我以为有个人真的关心我，会让我爱上他，原来是一场梦。对他来说，也许是一场游戏。我以为我自己很行，很聪明。原来我是这世上最笨的人，最没用的人！我以为自己很行，所以老板一直要留我，其他地方的老板也很想请我，原来是我够笨，好骗。给一点工资就让我做到死！又不会偷他们的钱，这就是我的好！我以为我自己很善良，对人很好，原来我脾气很暴躁，也很好胜！所以，人家才讨厌我，觉得跟我合作不了，令我上不了新的那份工作！我以为我很勇敢坚持自己想要的东西，原来我是个懦弱的人！在最后关头，我放弃了自己的坚持！所有的事情发展到今天这个地步，都是我自以为是！我以为我以为我以为，其实并不是如此。。我自己一直在发梦，一直欺骗自己。

我有什么好，他怎么可能会真心喜欢我？我有什么本事，老板怎么可能会重用我？我永远都是人的第二选择。暂时找不到女朋友就找我来玩，找不到员工就找我来顶。在我人生中，我一直很努力去证明我自己。向我妈妈证明，向我老师证明，向我老板，朋友，同事证明。结果呢？我考不好，我妈妈就伤心，把我拿来跟人家比较，被比下去，她难受！我在我与朋友之间，我老师认可了我朋友的能力，同时间否定了我！你可以说我转牛角尖，不过当他做出那决定时，我已经被否认了。我的能力不如我朋友。现在叫我加入，也许也是因为学姐想离开了吧？我又是第二选择！我老板给我的工资比其他刚来上班的熟手都便宜。我什么都得干，都得理，却拿着跟那些熟手一样的工资，可他们什么都不用理。我不值得这种价钱吗？

我很累，真的很累，我一直拼命，一直努力证明自己。可是，我得到了什么？得到了一个结论，我什么都不行，什么都没有！我的心和斗志真的死了，彻底的死了！大姐曾经说过，难道这次的打击太大了，你恢复不了？对，我恢复不了了！这次的打击彻底地打败我，就在我觉得自己很幸福很幸运时，上天永远都要把它夺走，变本加厉地夺走！只要我开始觉得幸福时，我都是提心吊胆，很害怕被抢走。结果，真的被抢走了！那么，我求你，永远不要再让幸福降临在我身上。我再也承受不起你夺走的那一刻了！

I fall down to reality from fairy tale

It had been weeks after my perfect happy life turn upside down in a day. Suddenly my fairy tale disappear and left is reality. Reality is always cruel and I live in it. After my decision, I really thought everything is solved, but it doesn't. I never feel so so regret in making a decision. In a whole week, I try to accept the truth but in fact, I can't. This time failure defeat me totally. When I struggle to find my balance in sadness and accepting the truth,someone seems give up me as well. Perhaps he never really take me seriously, I keep on giving myself excuses and I did try to make a step.

He never text back and after the last text, I realise,it is so cold between me and him. I am so stupid, to scare my phone signal broken down,that is why his text can't reach me. This is the second time, he left me like this. After I thought there is some connection and flame between us, he left nothing. I can't blame him because I am not even sure about my feeling towards him. But I do miss him, even till now. However, my ego won't let me continue to make myself so cheap infront any guy. I give up.

It is really hurt to think back, you asked me to open my heart to you. You ask me to believe you,try to open my heart to you. And now you totally shut me down to anyone in future. I am scare to believe guys before and now,I never ever trust anyone anymore. I don't know why I let myself involved with him for second time but I did like him. My life is grey and I lost my initiative to live.

I loss faith in myself, I don't know what I shall do for next. Even isolate myself from everyone that know me well and I know them well as well. My best friend,my family,I don't know how to face them. I don't know who I am anymore, a girl with all those dreams and passion to chase her dream,I loss her. A guy is not a big deal,as nothing much really happen between us, but suddenly,I lost my guide and it seems all bad thing happen on me. That make me defeated,especially myself. I never so disappointed with myself till now.

It had been a long time I try blogging my feeling but...Finally,it is out...

This world is so small and you will meet your enemy at anytime!

Another experience in my life! Today I realise a lot of things,probably...I am in a very down mood and feel like totally a loser! I resigned from my workplace two weeks ago and after I went to Rome,I felt I was at the top of my life until today, where I fall into deepest hole! After I resigned,I found another job but when I confirmed with new employer,I had to wait for 2 weeks. Then,she told me I have to wait 2 more weeks after I came back from Rome. I still in the mood,so,I don't really care.

I called my mom and she totally furios about this and demanded me to find a new job immediately. I called for few job but some of them thought I don't have enough experience and said will call back, but that call ended at the night I call. Last night I called to a place named Torquay and we talked happily,at last, we have a deal that I went there today to work. I bought train ticket and planned for everything today.

This morning,when I had last breakfast with my collegue, a text arrived. Manager at Torquay text me,told me that I am not suitable to work there because Martin and Kiki worked there. I totally lost of way, I din't remember this two people until I called that manager. Both of them worked at the workplace I resigned and the husband was fired because he was not capable,some more, thought he was so capable and did not want to listen to others. At last,both of them also leave. But as I worked as manager at here,I have to control them and when they did nonsense thing,I get mad and directly complaint to boss. Ahah..this is my first mistake that I learned from experience. They took it as backstabbing and I was the person that make them fired. But they never think why they are fired.

This afternoon,they text me!" Fuck yourself! U should know u arenot a nice person.of course u have to lose any job!hahaha" This was the content of their text. I reply "haha..childish". Do I need to reply more? I don't think so. They just have to take care themselves as if not,they will lose the job again. After that text,I was so furious and my mind is so mess up. I let my collegue to read that text and we started a discussion about them,about my job. I was scare as my mom told me not to change job this year because I got a lot of "xiao ren" (people that give trouble and obstruct me).

I was convinced what I will do after I resigned but at that moment, I freaked out and totally lose my way and thinking. Where is my logical thinking? Then,after persuaded by my collegues, I told my boss that I wanted to stay to work at this place again. Then,I kept on complaining to my best friend and talking about negative feeling. I felt sad and fed up after decided that I would stay back. Well,this showed that I hate this job so much but I made my choice. I tried to blame my mom,blame the new employer that delays shop opening day. But it is me that making the choice, and I make my choice. There is no one to blame,except myself!

I am not a person that have a strong belief on myself, that's why I let myself be in this kind of situation. Besides,I am too lenient to employer and at last causing myself terrible ending. I was easily persuaded and influenced by people, that is why I was a failure. I deserved this. I would learn from this and so do with anyone that read my blog. Next time, do not be so brave, complaining about others infront of them,where they can listened anytime. Second, don't resign if you don't have back up. Found a new job,then resign,don't be lenient to employer,scare they can't find employee as they will. Third, the world is so small that you will meet anyone again,so,for both of them,don't let me meet you two again. I promise myself I will become stronger than now and I definitely won't forgive anyone that treat me bad! Remember,this world is small!

Movie, Tea Time,then Swan Lake Ballet...fabulous day^^

The Last Song will be a special movie to me,as I watch it alone,totally alone in the whole cinema room. What a special day to me! This feeling is really so good,like the whole room booked by me just for myself. Gosh,totally excited! The Last Song star by Miley Cyrus,a actress that I LOVE! She is really different in this movie,no more Hannah Montana. After movie, I went to Costa,having my lovely coffee (ermm,cappucino) but it is too bitter and I found that I can't stand of it,so I decided to buy tea. Okay,this is not the main point. Important is I enjoy for tea time,observing people passing by and seeing the sky and clouds. What a lovely evening.

After that, I went to White Rock Theatre for my Swan Lake Ballet performance. I don't know anything about ballet but I always envy dancers as I felt they are marvelous. Honestly, I don't really understand the whole thing but I know about Swan Lake movie,nice movie. But but but,I love their performance, they are really fabulous. How they stand on tip toe,how they hop and spin so many times,it really take a lot of hard work. I love everything today,what I go through and see and everything today, just LOVE it.

Even though my day started with terrible feeling and bad mood, but I ended it happily,satisfying feeling. Well,this work place and some biatch sucks,but life still have to go on. I have to wait for the timing to end up every sucks life at here and move on to my future.

I am So done here!

I am really sleepy,really. But I am so so angry and frustrating,till I dono how to express my anger. I cry in my pillow and keep on asking myself,why I have to bully by people like that. When I pray guan shi yin pu sa,the more I cry,as it reminds me how is my life at my home,my country. I came here, far away from my home,just to achieve my dream,wish to explore outside world and have my own career before back to my home. But,it is,really so hard to do it. I want to be someone,not just Su Wei San from Ayer Tawar,Malaysia. I try my best in what I do now but why everything make it so hard?

Since I stay, I started to feel the pressure and also the problem that will keep on coming without stop. I tell myself that I have to overcome this as an adult,a person that want to success has to sacrifice but is this the correct path or way I am taking? I dono... Why I am so angry? Some people will say,gosh,it is just such a small matter and u just exaggerate it and make yourself irritating,give yourself a life! This dog that I mentioned before in my blog,just now my roommate that just bath called my name so loud to ask me go to bath as we let others bath first. I am off tomoro,so I agree that I shall let others (tat working)to bath first. This dog,it is off today and it got lot of time to bath even with its female dog before we finish work but it doesn't.

I wait from 11pm until almost 1am. Damn,what the hell this biatch is doing? I dono is the male or the female,go inside and bath for 20 minutes,damn! What I feel? At that moment,I am so so angry because they heard I haven't bath coz my roommate shout so loudly. They do it purposely. I really dono for what I let myself bullied like this! This useless small boss, like usual,so useless and everyday off to him,and hire all those useless rubbish back,just like him. What the hell is this working place? I can get a good job,I believe myself. Why I let myself to be treated like this,such a rubbish. I was promised a manager position but now,I am nothing but puppet and rubbish. I am so done with here,honestly.

PUPPET LIFE

PUPPET! This word is a big word to me now. Am I a puppet now? I can't figure out my value to stay at this restaurant anymore. I got my own vision and I try to achieve it in this restaurant. Big boss asks me to stay and said this small boss won't stay here too long. Well,how long should I wait? It is not like I want to become manager at this restaurant and control everything,decide everything. I want to learn a proper management and customer service but I am totally can't learn it from this person.

Maybe I make the wrong decision when I choose to stay at this restaurant. Ya,serve me right,what a big mistake I made. How to say? I won't regret as this teach me how to make big decision next time. Small restaurant,management? Hmm..really very hard. They are talking about a small business, where as boss do not have vision to upgrade or develop it. Small and tradition and family business. Management= boss mind thinking? Gosh,such not my style. Next time,go franchise. Ya,small restaurant definitely out from my list of career.

Work in service field taught me one thing,customers always right and we will be the wrong one,even we are wrong except they are too over. Scolded by customers? Come on,small matter. So,please don't act like scolded by customer is such a big deal! Yeap,it is not our fault but we are in the same team,even we have to be scolded because others fault,we also have to take it. What about if next time someone get scolded because our fault? Use your brain to think (if you got one)! I don't want to be harsh but you are just so annoying when you tell everyone that you get scolded is such a big thing. Stop pouting and tell everyone how pity you are BECAUSE you are not!!!

Arghhh....work really stressing. I really need a long long damn long rest,a holiday,which I can escape from my stress and those reality life. Sometimes, I do love my job when customers leave but they left their happiness and satisfaction behind, in the restaurant,deep down in my heart. I am happy to make every customer happy and satisfy when they come in. Maybe this is what-so-called work satisfaction. The thing is is satisfaction more than stress and annoying or opposite? Is it worthing? When I decide to be serious in doing something, I am into it,seriously into it. Aihhh....life is complicated,who know what future will be! I can't even promise myself!

WORK= SUCKS

Since I move out from my small comfortable zone, which are my lame but lovely hometown,I started to have a good relationship with rumors. Yes,RUMORS! Since then, I never get out of rumor life. Today,I broken a red wine,Merlot. Actually,it is a small matter as broken thing in restaurant is very common but don't know why, I feel uneasy when that stupid dog come out to have a look. My FIRST THOUGHT...OMG,RUMORS...

I am a very extremely normal girl,for me,I am nothing in this world. But why others will take me as target to compete with,to talk about and CRUSHING me into PIECES? Okay,I am a bit exaggerate but now this is what I felt. I want to do my work and have my group of social life friends,that's it. Why fate want to make my path so complicated? I try to help the boss to create a management,in which his restaurant can develop and everyone working in happy environment but then,I found that he is such a jerk. So, I resign but then the big boss came and ask me to help as he could see the potential in me and want to cultivate me,and then, I stay. I try to create a team work and praise someone that really have the ability but then this person changed to arrogant. She tries to control me even.

Maybe what sir told me is correct, I don't have the experience and also knowledge to change a restaurant management, I am not suppose to stay. But I made my choice and I have to continue what I begin. I could be a jerk to my collegue but honestly,if everyone cooperate,we can be a good team. I need a team not individual success. I had been through jealousy and competing and bad feeling about others, I know how it is, that is why I try to get myself out from all of this things. As a result, I am a target. GREAT! Congrate me!hah... Work is sucks to me now,no management,no team work,no benefit...WORK= SUCKS

Hastings, East Sussex Summer

Summer time begin^^ This is a beach at St. Leonards On-Sea at Hastings, East Sussex. Finally the summer is here, and based on the forecast, British will have a whole week sun for this week. For most of the Britain or western people, they will be excited as they love the sun. For a Malaysian, I can't say I hate the sun but I will not say love it. Sitting on the beach and blogging while listening to the wave sound, it is fabulous. Most important is this sun won't make me sweating and sticky. Haha...Yesterday is a terrible day to me but after a sleep, I feel better. Besides,it is so comfortable to relax at the beach. The wave and the wind bring away all your problem (for now). I want a vacation and I need a vacation.

Burned bread, human behavior

Just now I had by breakfast at an English breakfast cafe, and just like what you saw above, that was my breakfast and it costs me 3.50 pound. I am not discussing about the price but the quality they gave me. The toast bread,if you can see clearly, that toast breads already burned. I had my breakfast few times at this breakfast cafe and I kinda like it. However, this time make me frustrated. Will they serve this burned bread to me if I am an English or western people? This is what I think when I saw the bread. Of course, I can request them to give me a new proper toast bread. I am not realy like the bread, so I din't say anything. This is not about fussy or personal feeling towards anyone but it is about service and mind thinking. I am in customer service field and I know I have to treat all my customers fair enough, no matter who they are. Of course, sometimes we will influenced by some factors, as we are human being. We do mistakes but please don't discriminate. The longer I stay at UK,I felt that there are discrimination among people.

Western discriminate Asian, China discriminate others. Some western people will see Asian as lower grade compared to them. Some China people feel that they come from a strong country and they become arrogant. When this kind of negative thinking appear, conflict aroused. I am not discriminate but I just wrote what I saw. Don't be arrogant because nowadays your country is strong. People see you as what you are, what you present to people, not where you from. Be humble to everyone as we are nothing in this world. I really have to always remind myself now to be humble and be grow up as we live in this world,not in our own world.

Yoga help to push out all my inner negative feeling

Lately I practice yoga, after recommended by my friend or suppose said always my teacher forever. I went to Cambodia with them and he keep on recommended me to learn yoga,and sleep earlier. I know it is for my healthy but I am a person just like him. When we are told to do something,we purposely don't want. However,when I back to my home,I start to practice yoga and sleep early and this habit continued till now.

Okay, back to my main point about yoga. Even though now I am just a learner and just practice few types of pose in yoga, I can feel the advantage of it. Yesterday, I had such a negative feeling inside me. I felt so unease and emo, especially when I saw something or someone I don like. The negative feeling keep on pushing me till I felt so uncomfortable and want to explode. When I practice yoga,my whole body relax and it is really relaxing. Don't believe? Try it yourself and you will experience how the negative feeling fade away from your body. It is miracle but at that moment, I really felt so relax and no negative feeling inside me. Even though I will feel lazy to practice yoga sometimes, but I want to keep on this practice as I believe it will bring advantage to me in somehow.

从工作里想找到真正的朋友有点难

有一段时间没写部落格了，这段时间里，发生不少事情。这次回到英国，很多事在改变着。小青将要离开了，老板也要退股离开。很奇怪，这一次我很冷静，没有以前那么激动了。我也曾经问自己，我有没有把这里的同事当作一家人啊？也许我这人一向来都很容易忘记，很多事情可以在这一刻让我刻骨铭心，也可以在一段时间后从我的记忆中慢慢不见了。我认识了一个我觉得是很好的朋友，不过，这次回来，我也不知道了。以前他就是爱说我笨，小孩子什么都不知道。虽然很多时候他说的话很难听，令到我很不爽，不过，我都忍下来了。这次回来，我一点也不想忍了。即使没有了这个朋友，我也不会遗憾。

其实，真正小孩子不懂事的是他。如果他懂事，也不会搞到今天这个局面。我可以理解，所以，我不发飚，我忍他，因为我当他是朋友。我一直等他会慢慢改过来。不过，他那自以为是的性格导致他陷入今天一定要背炒的下场。一个懂事的人，不会因为自己懂得那么一点点而感到骄傲而自以为是。虽然他一直强调不想当什么经理的，不过是否如此只有他自己知道。我不是笨的，我看得出他不喜欢我成为他的对手。我也因此很多次都一直在强调，我不想打这份工，所以，不会跟任何人有冲突，不过，他似乎听不懂吧！这也好，证明了上班的地方不可能有真正的朋友，大家都会因为利益而做出任何事情。我会好好记住这的，从今天起，我要让自己更专注在工作上，也理智对待工作所有问题。之前的我太感情用事了。是时后认真对待自己的工作和学习更多了！

mist

Why I felt lonely when I was surrounded by my families and friends? It is a weird feeling as I do not felt like this when I stay at England. Even though I was far away from family and friends at England, it is like adventure to me. When I came back, I am not sure what is the feeling but it is a very complicated feeling. Lost direction in life, lonely, somehow emptiness in my heart and sadness. I always looking for some kind of success in my life, I eager for different life, interesting life in my life. I have some kind of connection with interest in human behavior, but the problem is I can't even figure out what kind of my behavior and thinking are.

I met again with a person that I admire his ability and he aroused my motivation and brain. Talking to him make me think a lot, my brain move and really think, compared to the years I spent at England, I like the moment with him. Somehow, he always make me have a bigger picture about life, a higher motivation and goal to achieve. If you ask me, do you regret choosing this friend and lost so many friends? I will answer, no. I always believe in destiny, especially with my friends. A friendship is somekind of chemicals, and successful friendship is a kind of diversification. Try it yourself, and you will know. Some people said he is a person that break people future,is it? I felt uneasy when I saw this post, even though I still felt like this now, but it is their choice. They are destined to hate him, while I was destined to understand the truth. Knowing him making a huge changes in my life, in which normal life is not normal anymore..

I believe even though my life now still in the mist, but I will find my way out one day. I am not sure what type of career I will be in future, but I believe I will have my own successful career, one day.. I believe I am not just a very normal girl, that live a normal life. I can't figure out my emotional live, I can't solve my family problem, however, growth and experience in life will help me to figure it out someday.

Back to my home

15 Feb, 2010

Time flew but we just walking..gosh,how come time past so fast? Can't imagine I already back to Malaysia for 2 weeks, and now going into third week. I spent a week at Siem Reap, Cambodia, then stay few days at Ipoh. After back to my home for few days, it is Chinese New Year. After next week, I have to fly back to England again. I stay at UK for 1 and half years but just back here for 1 month. Haha...what to say? When I back here, I felt missing, not missing UK, but missing the life I had before at Malaysia.

Few days ago, when I tidy up my books, I found back my notes I made during my study at Ipoh. I just read through of them but suddenly I stopped at one page, stopped at a line of words...When you still cry when you repeat a story for many times, it means you still cannot put down your burden or forgot about it. This sentence
knock the door of my heart and memory. At the moment I arrive Malaysia, I can't denied that a lot of memory come back to me. Go to UK is a way of running away from the sadness and everything at here... and now when I back, everything come back again.

Friends, family, situation, and everything happened at the past, especially at Ipoh, left a deep impact in me. One week trip to Cambodia really a very happy trip to me (even it is very very hot and sunny). Sir, Fish and Carmen, they gave me a feel of be at home, be with your truly friends and family. All the time at UK, I don't feel any sadness, my life is just about me. How I am going to live my own way, how I can enjoy myself. I never have to worry anything about family or friends, because friends or supposely are collegues always changed according to my job. I knew many new friends but they are very temporary.

I am a person that like to run away from problem, that is why I run away to UK. Haha..I am a grown up girl but still like a little girl, do not want to face and settle problem. Holiday almost come to an end, I really will miss the time back to Malaysia. Next month when I back to UK, what am I going to do with my future? I don't have a clue actually after talk to sir. He is always a motivating person and this is always the advantage of him I saw from him. I like to be around him as he can let me feel motivation in my own life and career. Last week when I see him go back to KL, I felt sad. I know I will miss him, we have a bond, and I know we will always be friends that teach me a lot. Fish, I miss her immediately when my brother come to fetch me. Ohh gosh, I will miss them so much if I back to UK.

Pooh Pooh coming back to hometown^^

31 Jan 2010

Midnight or early morning of 31th January 2010,later after I wake up,I am going to prepare to go home. After coming out far away from home for 1 year and 4 months, finally I will go back to my country. Recall back when I arrive KLIA with my family and depart to UK, it is just like a dream. It is just like a blink and I already pass 1 year and 4 months. I am excited now whenever I think I am going to go home. Got to go to sleep as tomorrow I still have to pack. Cao~~

一个人唱情歌（陈楚生主唱）

一个人唱情歌，这首歌在不经意之间下载了，听了让我特别有感触！也让我好想念某个人。最近我的心不属于我了，不知飞到哪的感觉。你对我并不是我对你那样的感觉，为什么要这样对我呢？到了今天，事隔那么多天，我的心每每想起依然那么痛。我会问我自己，我真的那么差吗？为什么你要这样对我？你希望从我这里得到的，我给不到。我希望从你身上的到的，你给不到。我很不想再去想这个人，为什么每当我停下来，我就会不知不觉想起你？也许你根本不知道你对我的影响，根本不放在心上。我很想跟你说，我很想你。我该怎么做才可以忘记你？

开了facebook，我不能控制自己不去看你的网页，不能控制自己不去理会你最近过得如何。我很讨厌这样的自己，我到底怎么啦？我不能接受一个自己也控制不了的我。啊。。。。我该怎么办？好讨厌我想念你啊！！！！

不开心，不开心。。

今晚的心情非常复杂。伤心想念，生气爆炸，到烦恼和担心。在短短的几小时里，我的心情起伏很厉害。现在上班一点都不开心了，来了个猴子，丑八怪死八婆。丢她阿星，死八婆！真的嘴巴大像个猴子，只喜欢摆弄是非，搞到大家不爽，她就爽死了!才来了几天就搞到老板说我们几次了。我们已经非常检点了，我们以前开玩笑比现在更加厉害，现在都已经非常小声和少了！刚才跟小青玩，看我会想起多少成语，老板说他忍了很久，到放工才说我们。刚才在我们房间可发了很大的脾气。说我们不尊重他这老板。一定是刚才我在楼下说可以看订金本，给那死猴子机会说什么的，搞到老板觉得没面子，上来发飚。我是说给那猴子听的，不是老板。结果搞到大家都要给老板骂，真的把我给气死了。真的是讨人厌的死八婆！气死了！


又看到他的照片，心里痛！我无法回到跟你以前的朋友关系了。以前还没说到那么白时，至少我还可以以朋友身份关心。现在，我什么身份都用不上。每次看到照片就很想你，不过，心也每次都抽痛。男人每个都是这样吗？我本以为你不一样，所以才欣赏你。结果你也是一样。那一刻我真的很失望，到现在心依然很痛。为什么要这样对我？我在你心目中跟其他女孩一样吗？爸爸妈妈搞得不开心，听妈妈说，我心也很痛。再想起你，我心更痛。我本来是很简单的，也很开心的，为什么突然会变得如此呢？我很不开心，真的很不开心。可是，我找不到发泄的空间，我可以到哪发泄？该怎么办啊?我只想要简单地生活，就那么简单的要求都不能成全我吗？